


The Sixth Kiss

by Geritashipper123



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Princess Bride (1987)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Love, Multi, Pirates, Princess Bride AU, Sword Fighting, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 17:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17791763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geritashipper123/pseuds/Geritashipper123
Summary: Willow's son has always heard stories about the woman who should have been his other mom, but never really understood them or her... until one sick-day when his Uncle Giles tells him a story about his other mom, and pirates and giants and princes and an unfortunate amount of kissing.The story of the sixth kiss





	The Sixth Kiss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fiveainley_ohmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveainley_ohmy/gifts).



> ALRIGHT! 
> 
> *Ahem*
> 
> Babe- BE YOU WERENT EXPECTING THIS! HA! 
> 
> Happy valentine's day beautiful people! So yesterday I read a princess bride au and thought, damn, wouldn't Willara fit this perfectly?  
> And then I thought, Damn, my Girlfriend would love that. 
> 
> A lot of words and just over 24 hours later, here we are! 
> 
> this is a valentines day gift for my gorgeous angel, who I want to bestow the sixth kiss on. I love you, so much.

Lawrence “Larry” Terrence Rosenberg was always told that he was named after two people who his mom knew who didn’t deserve to die- An old friend, and his _other_ mom. Other-Mom had died long before he was born, or even being considered as a possibility. Mom showed him pictures and told him stories, but it was hard for him to appreciate and love his Other-Mom when she was dead.

Today for instance. Larry was home from school, sick with the flu, so he couldn’t be left alone, but his Mom had an important all-day meeting with her other witches and Aunt Buffy, so stuffy Uncle Giles was had to come and watch him! And Uncle Giles was so _boring-_

“Lawrence?”

Oh yeah, and he didn’t get the concept of nicknames.

Larry sighed and looked over at his uncle, who was standing in the doorway of his bedroom. Larry had been cooped up in his room all day, and Uncle Giles had been puttering in the kitchen since lunch. His uncle came over and put a hand on his head, humming. “Your fever appears to have gone down, how do you feel?”

“Better,” Larry croaked hoarsely, “I don’t wanna sleep, but I'm bored and it’s cold downstairs.”

“I had a feeling you might be going a little stir crazy,” Giles said, pulling up a chair, “I thought, perhaps if you were up to it, I could tell you a story?”

Larry perked up a bit, “One about Mom and Aunt Buffy?”

Giles nodded, “And… Tara. A story about Tara.”

Larry shivered instinctively at the mention of Other-Mom’s name, and he looked up at Uncle Giles, “is it an action story?”

“There are pirates and princes, and giants and swordfights-”

“Tell it tell it tell it!” Larry insisted, excited now.

Uncle Giles smiled at him, opened his mouth, and began.

_“Once upon a time, in a land far from here…”_

 

* * *

 

Once upon a time, in a land far from here, there lived a woman on a farm. The woman was named Tara, and while she was beautiful and kind she lived alone, with only her farmhand for company.

The farmhand was named Willow, and she was beautiful and fierce, with flaming red hair and a fiery personality to match. Willow didn’t speak much to the beautiful Tara, answering all her requests with three simple words. Tara, in turn, only called Willow “Farmgirl”

“Farmgirl, polish my saddle! I want to see my face in it by morning!” Tara would order, and Willow would reply “As you wish.”

“Farmgirl! Water the pigs… please.” Tara would ask, and Willow would reply, “As you wish.”

“Farmgirl!” Tara would call, and Willow would turn and look at her, and Tara would blush. And then she’d ask “get me that pitcher?”

And Willow leaned in close, handing her the pitcher, and whispering “As you wish.”

It was then that Tara realized- when the quiet Willow said “As you wish,” what she was really saying was; “I love you.”

And it was then that Tara also realized… she loved Willow as well.

It was a beautiful sunset, right on the edge of their farm, where the women shared their first kiss…  


 

* * *

 

 

“Ewwww Uncle Giles!” Larry interrupted, nose crinkling, “You didn’t say this would be a kissing story!”

“Oh hush now Lawrence, all the best action stories are kissing stories,” Uncle Giles said with a twinkle in his eye. “May I continue?”

Larry pouted but nodded. “Skip the kissing though!”

Giles chuckled, “very well,”

 

* * *

 

Willow had no money for marriage, so she had to set off in search of work, for a time, swearing that she’d come back once she made a name for herself.

“I’ll sweep you off of your feet, you’ll see. We’ll have all the happiness in the world.”

“But what if something happens? Tara worried, “I know you're capable but… I’ll miss you.”

“Don’t you cry now, I’ll be back!” Willow promised with a brave grin, “This is true love, you think that happens every day?” And with that declaration, the two shared a languid goodbye kiss and parted ways.

But unfortunately, tragedy struck only three weeks later. Tara received the terrible news- Her beloved and firey willow had been killed by the Dread Pirate Lehane.

Tara was _heartbroken._

She locked herself in the house and wept until she had no tears left to cry. “I will never love again,” she swore in her grief.

 

Months and years later, the prince of the nearby kingdom, Prince Warren, asked Tara for her hand in marriage, seeing her beauty. Still heartbroken but knowing she wouldn’t survive without money, Tara agreed to the marriage.

Warren presented her to his people, and Tara did not smile even once. Her new life at the palace was charmed, and while Warren was not what she desired everyone was kind to her. But still, the only enjoyment Tara found was in the morning ride, which she took on horseback daily.

It was on one such ride that she was stopped by three strangers in the middle of the road.

“Pardon me, miss!” Yelled the one who was obviously the leader- a tall man with blonde hair and sharp eyes, “We’re circus travelers, and we appear to be lost, can you tell us how far to the nearest town?”

Tara frowned at the three of them- with him was a huge man with curly hair and an eyepatch, and a tiny woman with blonde hair and a mouth set in a hard line. “The nearest village isn’t for miles,” Tara told them, wondering how they got so lost.

“That’s good,” the leader said, stepping closer to the horse, “that means no one can hear you scream.”

And then the giant man wrapped a hand over her mouth, and there was the sharp smell of chemicals, and Tara passed out in a dead faint.

 

The blonde haired girl, a dangerous and skilled woman named Buffy, frowned as the giant picked Tara up over his shoulder. “Hey Spike, why are we going after this princess again?”

Spike rolled his eyes as he pulled a scrap of cloth from his jacket. “For the last time, Buffy, we’ve been paid to start a war. When Prince Warren finds this Gilder seal attached to the saddle, he’ll know that his bride has been stolen by Gilder, boom, a war started, no muss no fuss.”

The giant, whose name was Xander, frowned, “Are we sure starting a war is a proper thing to do boss? It seems kinda… violent.”

“You’re a mercenary!” Spike said, exasperated as he smacked the horse’s flank and sent it into a gallop. “Let’s just get the princess back to the ship, we have to get to Gilder."

Buffy and Xander shared a look but followed Spike back to the ship in silence.

“This won’t get tied back to us, right boss?” Buffy asked once they were aboard, and Spike snorted- “inconceivable! My plan is far too clever- we just leave the dead body at the border and-”

“Whoa whoa whoa-” Xander interrupted, “you never said anything about killing her! I think-”

“Think?! You _think?!_ I didn’t pay you to think you giant oaf!” Spike shouted, getting in Xander’s face, “I hired you to be ruthless muscle, not to think!”

“But-” Buffy said, and Spike turned on her, “Do you want me to leave you where I found you? So depressed and drunk that you’re half-dead?! And _you-_ you incompetent ignoramus, do you want to go back to being unemployed, in Greenland?!”

The pair was silent, and Spike huffed and turned on his heel.

Buffy sighed and went up to the wheel to set sail, leaning over to mutter to Xander- “God, spike sure likes to fuss…”

“Fuss fuss, more like scream… at us.” Xander replied, grinning. Buffy grinned back.

“He sure does lack _charm.”_

“Yeah, but he doesn’t mean any _harm.”_

“You sure are good at rhyme!” Buffy said, laughing, and Xander grinned, “oh… some of the time!”

“Oi, that’s enough out of you two!”

“Hey Xan, are those rocks ahead?”

“If there are, we’ll be dead!”

“That’s enough, I mean it!” Spike snapped. Xander waited until he had walked away, then grinned. “Hey, Buff, Want a pea-nit!”

Spike screamed, irritated. The amusement at their joke lasted Buffy and Xander long into the night, past when Tara had awakened.

But Buffy’s amusement was quickly brought an end when she looked over the stern of the ship and frowned, “Hey Spike, I think we’re being followed.”

Spike went over and looked, frowning, “no, no, it’s just a fisherman.”

“I’m telling you, he’s been following us for hours.”

“And I’m telling _you_ it’s inconceivable! We were so careful, and Warren wouldn’t have-”

They were interrupted by a splash. Tara had jumped over the edge of the boat and was swimming away in a vain attempt to escape. Spike stared at her, then whirled around and pointed at Buffy. “Go in after her!"

Buffy blinked at him, “I have severe PTSD ever since this guy drowned me and ever since I avoid large bodies of water like the plague.”

Spike, who wasn’t as smart as he sounded, stared at her. Buffy sighed, “I don’t swim.”

 

While this was happening, Tara was swimming as fast as she could- she didn't care where she went, anywhere was better than dead. As she swam, she heard a high pitched screeching sound, and something moved in the water next to her.

“Hear that princess!” Spike called, “those are the shrieking eels! They feed off human flesh!”

 

* * *

 

“She doesn't die.”

Larry blinked. He’d been so entranced in the story that Uncle Giles’ sudden change in tone. “What?”

“Tara. she doesn’t die at this point in the story. You looked frightened.”

Did he? Larry blinked, then nodded, “okay okay fine, now keep going!”

 

* * *

 

“If you move, princess, they will _eat you!”_

Tara gulped, her bravery wavering. Then she thought of Willow, firey and brave and gone from her, forever. She gritted her teeth and started to swim forward- only for strong hands to grab her around her waist.

Xander had jumped in after her, and now he dragged her back to the boat. Tara screamed, but her struggles were useless against Xander’s massive strength. Buffy tied her to the mast of the ship, making sure she couldn’t get away again.

“I’m glad your awake, princess, the sun is rising, and-“

“We’re still being followed.” Buffy interrupted flatly. Spike didn’t like being interrupted and went to yell at her, but then he saw that the boat in the distance was, in fact, closer than before. Much closer. He gritted his teeth. “Well, it doesn’t matter, we’re here!”

He pointed to a large grey cliff in the distance. “There it is! The cliffs of insanity!”

“That’s a really pretentious name-”

“Be _quiet_ Xander!”

“I thought we were sailing to Gilder?” Buffy asked, and Spike put his hands on his hips. “No, we sailed here, now we climb the cliffs and _walk_ to Gilder.”

“Climb? _Walk?!”_ Buffy whined, “I didn’t bring the right shoes for that!”

“Oh quit whining, we’re not climbing, Xander is. We’re all riding.”

 _“I_ Didn’t bring the right shoes for _that,”_ Xander grumbled, and Buffy snorted. Spike grumbled something low in his throat. Tara was silent, defiantly so. She would not, _would not_ let these people know that she was afraid.

 

They docked at the foot of the cliffs, tying Tara and Buffy to Xander’s front, while Spike hung off the back. They climbed in silence until Spike glanced down and shouted _“Inconceivable!”_

Xander was so surprised that his hand almost slips, and Buffy squeaked. Tara squeezed her eyes shut as dust rained down over her face.

“A little quiet, for concentration’s sake, please boss-”

“How is she _following us?!”_ Spike snarled, and all three of them looked down to see a figure- no, a woman, judging from the curve of her chest- scaling the cliff after them, deftly.

“Climb, _climb!_ Faster!”

“You know, rushing me won’t help!”

“She’s gaining!”

“Stop shouting or we’ll all fall and then she won't be gaining!”

Spike clenched his jaw and fell silent as they finally reach the top of the cliff. Spike climbed off and cut Buffy free. “You stay here, fight her, _kill_ her! We’ll run ahead, meet up later.”

He marched off as Xander shifted Tara to his shoulder. He put a hand on Buffy’s shoulder, “Be careful.”

 

Buffy nodded as they walked off, pulling her sword and starting to stab at the air, practicing her form. She sighed and glanced over the edge, despairing as she saw the woman in black was barely halfway.

“Can you hurry up!” Buffy shouted, and the woman in black looked up.

“This is a bit harder than it seems so if you could just be patient…”

Buffy sighed and looked around. There was a rather large vine growing on a rock nearby.

She went back over to the edge “I’ve got some vine up here! I can pull you up!”

“Aren’t you waiting up there to _kill_ me?”

Buffy sighed impatiently, then looked down again “I could give you my word as a Californian!”

“No good, I know too many Californians,” the woman in black sounded like she was struggling, and Buffy sighed, eyes going serious. “I swear on the spirit of my mother, you will reach the top.”

The woman in black stared up at her, then said: “Toss me the vine.”

Buffy kicked the end down and then crouched to help the woman in black reach the top. By the time they were both on solid ground, both ladies were out of breath, panting. Buffy sighed “I’ll let you… catch your breath… jesus…”

“Thanks,” the lady in black panted, sitting on a rock and breathing. Buffy sat across from her and rubbed her temples. Then she looked up and asked, “By any chance do you have six fingers on your left hand?”

“Do you always start conversations this way?”

Buffy smiled ruefully, “My mother was killed by a six-fingered man. She was a swordsmith, the best of the best. One day we got a customer who didn’t appreciate our prices, so he took the sword we made him and killed her. He left me alive, but he gave me these-” she turned her head to either side, revealing twin scars on either side of her jaw.

The lady sighed, then held up her hands- both of which had five fingers. Buffy nodded, “Someday, I’m going to find him. I’ve trained and trained- so when I find him, I’ll hold up my sword, and I’ll look him in the eye and say ‘Hello, my name is Buffy Summers, you killed my mother, prepare to die.’”

“Impressive. I wish you great luck on your quest.”

Buffy nodded in thanks, standing, “ready then?”

“Ready. It’s a shame we have to kill each other, I think we could be great friends.”

“I don’t doubt it. You seem a decent lady, I hate to kill you.”

“I hate to die,” the woman in black responded, then lunged forward. Buffy countered and the two clashed for a while.

“You are using Bonetti’s defense against me, eh?”

“Thought it fitting, rocky terrain and all.”

“Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro?”

“Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels Capo Ferro, don’t you?”

“Unless the enemy hasn’t studied her Agrippa,” Buffy paused to grin cheekily at her opponent, “which I have.”

The fight continued, “You’re awesome,” Buffy praised.

“Thanks, I’ve worked hard at this.”

“So have I, but you don’t know everything about me.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Buffy smirked, “I’m not left-handed.”

She tossed her sword to her dominant hand and immediately the fight became harder for the lady in black.

“Ah, so I see. Well, I should be completely honest with you,” The woman in black said as she was backed into a corner. Buffy tilted her head, and the woman grinned, “I’m not left-handed either.”

She tossed her sword to her other hand, and with one quick move had disarmed her opponent.

Buffy fell to her knees, exhausted and knowing she had been bested. “Who _are_ you?”

“No one of importance,” The woman said hastily, and Buffy pouted, “C’mon, you gotta tell me!”

“Get used to people saying no to you,” The woman shrugged, and Buffy sighed, bowing her head, “I guess it’s time then. Make it quick, please?”

“Are you crazy? I’d sooner burn a piece of art than kill a master like you.”

And with that, the woman in black struck Buffy upside the head, and Buffy was knocked out cold.

 

While this fight had been happening, Xander and Spike had been watching in awe.

“Buffy,” Xander said, shocked that his friend had been beaten.

“Inconceivable!” Spike exploded, “She- _ugh._ Give me the girl. You stay here, handle this your way.”

“My way,” Xander repeated as he handed over Tara, who was still tied up over his shoulder. “What’s my way again?”

“Pick up that rock. When she comes around the corner, hit her with the rock!” Spike replies angrily. Xander blinked. “My way’s not very sportsmanlike.”

“Whatever!” Spike insisted, marching away with Tara over his arm. Xander sighed and hid, clutching a boulder and feeling a bit too much like a criminal.

The woman in black rounded the corner, and Xander lobbed the boulder in her general direction, but purposefully missed, stepping out of his hiding place armed with another rock.

“I didn’t have to miss,” He told her, “I’m supposed to kill you, but I don’t think waiting to crush your head without you knowing what hit you is very fair.”

“I do appreciate my head not being crushed,” The woman said, acutely aware that the man in front of her could overpower her.

“Yeah, ‘specially since your a girl and all. So here’s my suggestion- we make it fair, fight it out physically.”

“You mean… I put down my sword and you drop your rock and we kill each other like civilized folk?”

“Sportsmanlike,” Xander agreed, and the woman nodded, setting her sword on the grass as Xander chucked his rock over his shoulder. They stepped up to each other, and the woman in black lunged at him ineffectively, especially when he easily grabbed her wrists and lifted her off her feet. She squirmed and kicked in his arms until she slipped out of his grip and landed on his nack, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“You know, you don’t need a mask,” Xander said as he tried to tug her off his back, “I’m sure your pretty.”

“Thanks,” The woman groaned as her back was slammed against a rock. “But I like the mask, it’s all the rage in York.”

“Suit yourself, I’m just saying you could be pretty without it.”

The woman tightened her arms around Xander’s neck, and he coughed. “You know, I think I know why I’m having such a hard time beating you.”

“Really?” The woman grunted, both curious and disbelieving this man wasn’t toying with her.

“Yeah. I’m used to fighting… groups. Not… just… One…”

His knees buckled, and his vision gave out as he finally lost consciousness due to lack of oxygen to his brain. The woman sighed and rolled off of him, rolling him over so he was on his back.

“It was a good fight. May you dream of giant, equally sportsmanlike women.” She said, patting his shoulder before taking off after Spike and Tara.

 

She found them sitting at a small rock. Spike had laid out a blanket, and two goblets of wine. He had blindfolded Tara and had a knife at her throat.

“One more step and she dies,” Spike said, studying his cuticles and looking bored. The woman stopped obligingly, and Spike grinned up at her.

“Let me explain-” the woman began, but Spike shook his head. “No explanation. You’re trying to take what I have rightfully stolen, and that isn’t very nice.”

“We can’t come to an accord?”

“‘Fraid not.”

“I see. So we are at an impasse.”

“Appears so. I’m no match for you physically, and your no match for my brains.”

“Oh really?” The woman took a few steps forward, and Spike huffed, twisting his dagger slightly, “yes, and you're killing her.”

“Apologies, I was merely going to ask about your brains.”

Spike snorted. “Let me put it this way- you know Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?”

The woman nodded, and Spike grinned “Morons, the lot of ‘em.”

“In that case, sir, I challenge you to a battle of wits,” the woman said, “My brain against yours, the winner gets the princess.”

“You’ll never win,” Spike told her, but he did love any chance to show off, so he grinned and said, “I accept.”

He sheathed his dagger, and the woman sat down across from him. She pulled a vial from her pocket and removed the stopper. “Inhale this but do not touch or taste it.”

Spike took it, sniffing languidly. “Smells like nothing.”

“What you are not smelling is Iocane powder. It is tasteless, scentless, dissolves in liquid and extremely deadly. Like, die instantly kind of deadly.”

The woman held out her hand, and Spike handed back the vial. The woman took it and the two goblets of wine, turning her back. When she turned back around, she set one in front of him and one in front of her.

“The battle of wits has begun. Which goblet has the poison? You pick, we drink, and we see whois the winner… and who’s dead.”

“But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me,”

“Yup, you’re right. So you’ve made your decision?”

“Not remotely! Because Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not chose the wine in front of you.”

“Yep. You truly have a dizzying way of thinking.”

“Just you wait! Where was I?”

“Australia,” The woman muttered, and Spike snapped his fingers. “Right! Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.”

“You’re stalling.”

“You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten my giant, which means you’re exceptionally strong, so you could’ve put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my swordmaster, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me,”

“Clearly, so you’ve made your choice?”

“Oh yes! I know exactly where the poison is!”

“Then choose, and let's drink.”

“Yes, of course, let’s- What’s that?!”

“What?” The woman turned, and with a smirk, Spike hurriedly switched the cups. She turned back, frowning, “I didn’t see anything?”

Spike waved a hand, “Ah, never mind that. Let’s drink.”

They both downed the goblets in front of them, then Spike slammed his down and smirked. “Ha! You chose wrong! I switched glasses when your back was turned! You fool, You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly well-known is this; never go against a British man when death is on the line!”

Spike started laughing long and hard- only to freeze, and then fall to the right, dead.

The woman sighed and went around the rock, removing Tara’s blindfold with surprising gentleness. Tara stared up at her rescuer- or perhaps her new kidnapper- in wonder. “Who _are_ you?”

“No one to be messed with. C’mon, we gotta go.”

“So your wine was poisoned the whole time?” Tara asked as the woman freed her feet. The woman glanced up at her. “They were both poisoned. I’ve spent three years developing an immunity to Iocane.”

And with that, they ran.

 

Unbeknownst to the two girls, Prince Warren, the man who was going to marry Tara was tracking them, determined to get his bride back. With him, he had his trusted advisor, Count Andrew.

“You’re certain the symbol was from Gilder?” Warren asked, and Andrew nodded. Warren sighed. “If Tara isn’t returned to me, there will be hell to pay!”

 

The hunting party took off on horseback towards the deadly fire swamp- almost but not quite meeting the two girls, who were running along the hillside. Finally, the woman in black paused, gesturing for Tara to sit. “Catch your breath,” she ordered.

Tara sat gratefully, sighing. “Whatever price you want- It’ll be paid if you return me!”

“Oh trust me, I don’t want anything.” The woman said, stretching her arms above her head. Tara got angry. “Then why are you keeping me?! Prince Warren could track a falcon on a rainy day, he’ll find you and he will punish you for what you’ve done!”

“I see- So your greatest love is going to save you, Hm?” The woman asked, and Tara flushed, looking away.

“I never said he was my greatest love,” she said quietly, Willow’s smile once again invading her thoughts. The woman tilted her head. “So you admit you don’t love your fiance? Are you incapable of it?”

Tara abruptly stood up and growled, “I have loved more fiercely than you can ever imagine!”

The woman got equally close to her, and said, quietly but with great fury, “I would watch yourself, highness. Where I come from, girls get punished for running their mouths.”

They took off running again, not noticing the horses running on a hill above them. They stopped once more on the edge of a ravine, both of them out of breath. Tara glared at her captor. “I know who you are now. You’re the Dread Pirate Lehane!”

“Pleased to meet you,” The pirate said, grinning and bowing mockingly. “How can I be of service?”

“You can shrivel up and die!” Tara snapped, feeling tears boiling behind her eyes, “you killed my love!”

“Oh? I’ve killed a great many people. Was he another prince? Scabby and rich?”

“No! _She_ was a farmgirl! Poor and perfect, with hair like fire…” Tara bit her lip, looking away. “You attacked her on the high seas, and you don’t take prisoners…”

The pirate shrugged. “Well, I can’t have people know I’ve gone soft.” Tara spat at her, and she hummed. “I do believe I remember this lover of yours. Bright red hair, about five years ago? She died well, you’ll know, know blubbering or crying. She only said please. Please, I must live. And when I asked her why she told me of love and faithfulness and beauty…”

The pirate took on a dark glare, “thank god I killed her before she could see the truth.”

Tara snarled at the implication that Willow’s death was anything but horrible. “What truth?!”

“Faithfulness, she talked of, undying faithfulness! And now look at you, already forgotten her!”

“You mock my pain!”

“Life is pain! Tell me, princess, did you wait a day before climbing into the prince’s bed or was an hour enough?”

Tara’s patience snapped like a branch, and she snarled “You’ve mocked me once, never do it again! I _died_ that day! And _you can die too!”_

And with that, she shoved the pirate down the hill and into the ravine.

But as the lady in black rolled, her mask tore on a sharp rock, revealing fire red hair. “As… you… wish!” The pirate called.

Tara paled, and whispered “Oh, my sweet Willow! What have I done?!”

And she threw herself into the ravine after her.

The pair landed in a heap at the bottom of the ravine, a few feet away from one another. Willow groaned and propped herself up on her elbows first, eyes roaming over Tara for any injuries. “Can you move?”

Tara pushed herself up on her hands and flung herself at Willow to wrap her arms around her. “Move?! You’re alive, I would fly if you asked!”

Willow laughed and hugged her back, taking a few moments to hold Tara tight and breathe her in. “I told you I’d come back! Tara, why didn’t you wait for me?”

“You were dead,” Tara whispered, tears falling silently down her face as she embraced Willow, unable to believe her miracle. “I’m so sorry.”

“Always, Tara. _You’re_ my always. Besides, death can’t stop true love, just delay it for a bit.”

Tara pulled back enough to press her forehead to Willow’s. “I’ll never doubt again.”

“I’ll be there so you won’t have to.”

And with that, the two shared their second first kiss…

 

* * *

 

“Aw Uncle Giles, no more kissing!” Larry protested half-heartedly. He did love the story though, especially learning so much more about his Other-Mom.

Giles blinked, having gotten so involved in telling it that he’d forgotten who he was telling it to. “Yes, well, I suppose the details of an amorous reunion would be… unsuitable at your age.”

“Skip to the fire swamp, that sounded cool.”

 

* * *

 

Willow led her reunited lover towards a dense wood. “Come on Tara, your prince won’t venture in here!”

“Yeah, but isn’t the fire swamp known for being deadly?”

“We’ll be fine! C’mon!”

With a sigh, Tara allowed herself to be lead into the swamp, sticking close to Willow’s side. Willow glanced around appraisingly, and then said: “it’s not _so_ bad.”

Tara stared at her, and Willow shrugged “I mean, I wouldn’t want to build a summer home here, but it’s got character. And you’d never need to worry about burglars.”

“Or pirates?” Tara asked, following as Willow started walking. Willow grinned. “Or pirates.”

Suddenly there was a popping sound from beneath Tara’s feet, and Willow grabbed her and pulled her out of the way as a spurt of fire exploded out from underneath her.

“Then again, a strong door does the same job. And doesn’t try and kill you.” Tara said, and Willow chuckled.

They continued on, Willow telling Tara how she’d survived.

“I was captured by the Dread Pirate Lehane, it’s true. That part about the please and the stories was also true. After a day of stories, the Dread Pirate Lehane- who is always a woman- said to me “Well, good night then, I’ll kill you tomorrow.” She promised me that every day. “I’ll kill you tomorrow.” I think it was how she said goodbye. For four years she told me that.”

Willow grinned at her “and then, one day, she brought me into her office and told me the story. You see, she wasn’t the Dread Pirate Lehane either. She was named Amy, and the real Dread Pirate Lehane was living like a queen on her own private island after retiring fifteen years ago. You see- it’s not the pirate who invoked fear, it’s the title and the costume. So Amy, having received the title from a woman named Kendra, was passing it down to me and retiring. I’ve spent the year since gaining my fortune.”

“That’s amazing Will- _oh!”_

And suddenly, Tara had disappeared into a pit of lightning sand. 

“Tara!” Willow shouted, grabbing a vine and jumping in after her. The two climbed out together, using the vine as a rope.

Tara coughed “god, we’re gonna die here!”

“No, we’re not!” Willow insisted. “Look, three dangers of the fire swamp- the fire, obviously, which pops before it explodes. And you’ve been kind enough to show us what lightning sand looks like!”

Tara climbed to her feet, brushing sand off her dress and helping Willow up. Tara bit her lip, worrying, “but what about the R.O.U.Ses?”

“Rodents of Unusual Size? Myth.” Willow shrugged. And, of course, as soon as she said this, a Rodent of Unusual Size sprang from a bush and latched itself onto Willow’s shoulder.

“Not a myth, _not a myth!”_ Willow shrieked, struggling to get the rodent off of her. Tara grabbed a stick and started bashing the rodent with it.

Finally, Willow heard a popping sound, rolled over and _ripped_ the rodent off of her, throwing it into the fire spurt.

Tara fell to her knees, helping Willow sit up and examining her bloody shoulder.

“Are you okay?” She asked. Willow panted and looked up at her. “... Yeah, I’m fine. As I was saying this place is horrible, let's get out of here.”

And with that, they walked out of the fire swamp as soon as they could. Willow smiled at her love- “I told you we’d be fine.”

“I know, I know, you were right.”

The two leaned in to share another kiss- but were interrupted by the thumping of hooves. Prince Warren had found them. Willow pulled Tara behind her, raising her sword as they were surrounded by knights. Prince Warren stopped directly in front of them, drawing his own sword.

“Surrender,” he ordered, and Willow smiled tensely, “You mean you surrender to me? I accept.”

“You won’t win if you fight me,” Warren growled, and Tara suddenly said, “Will you not harm her?”

“What?” Warren asked.

“What?” Willow asked

“Will you swear not to hurt her?” Tara asked, stepping out from behind Willow. “If I go with you-”

“Tara-” Willow began, but Tara silenced her with a look. “I lost you once, and it nearly killed me. Never again, not when I can do something.”

She looked up at Warren. “Swear you will escort her back to her ship and let her leave unharmed.”

“May I never hunt again,” Warren promised, hand over his heart. He offered Tara a hand and helped her up onto his horse. Tara gazed longingly at Willow as they rode away.

 

Willow watched her love go and sighed, looking up at Count Andrew, who was smirking down at her. “Come along then, let’s get you back to your ship.”

“Oh don’t give me that,” Willow scowled, “I’m not a child, I know you're not taking me back to my ship.”

“Smart girl,” Andrew praised raising his hand.

His six-fingered hand.

“Someone’s been looking for you,” Willow muttered. And then he hit her over the head, and she knew no more.

 

Willow awoke later, tied down to a table, with her injured shoulder from the R.O.U.S being treated by a lady with blonde hair.

The lady, whose name was Anya, looked up when Willow woke.

“Where am I?” Willow asked.

“The pit of-“ the woman began in a whispery, creepy voice. Then she paused, coughed, and started again in a normal voice. “The pit of despair. It’s Count Andrew’s playroom if you will.”

“Why are you treating me?”

“He likes his subjects healthy when they break.”

“So I’ll be tortured then! Well, I can take it.”

Anya looked bored, “I’m sure you can. But no one survives the machine.”

 

Sure enough, later that day Count Andrew came down the stairs, grinning widely. Willow had been gagged and connected to the suction machine at this point. He came over to her.

“It’ll please you to know your lady love is safe, for now.” He told her mockingly. “Don’t worry, she’ll live to see her wedding day, but not much longer. I intend to keep you alive for that long too.”

He grinned and went over to the controls for the machine. “You see, this machine was originally designed to suck out water, but through my modifications, it sucks out _life.”_

With a cruel smirk, he set the machine to one and listened to Willow’s screams with glee in his eyes. After a few minutes, he turned it off. He went over to a desk, which had a large book on it.

“Now please, tell me what your feeling. And be articulate, this is for research.”

Willow managed a mournful whimper.

 

Meanwhile, far away from the pit of despair, the king of the land had died in the night, leaving Warren in charge.

That day, he had married Tara.

 

* * *

 

“Wait wait wait, that can’t be right!” Larry interrupted, “she can’t marry Warren!”

“Lawrence-“

“No! She and mom have to be happy together, that can’t be right!”

“Lawrence, do you want me to finish the story?” Giles asked, raising an eyebrow.

Biting his lip and figuring he could protest later, he nodded.

Giles nodded. “Now, Where was I-“

 

* * *

 

Tara had married Warren and was being presented to the kingdom for the first time. Everyone bowed… except for one woman, named Jenny, who started to boo.

Tara looked at her as she stood there, booing. “You betray the one you love! You betray her! Boo! boo!”

 

Tara awoke from her dreams with a start- the nightmares had plagued her since she said goodbye to Willow weeks ago, and with the wedding fast approaching, she knew she could not do it.

She rushed to Warren’s quarters, where he and Andrew were sitting deep in a conference. She burst in and proclaimed “I can’t do it! I can’t marry you, I don’t love you, Warren, and if you force me to marry you I swear I will kill myself on the wedding night.”

Warren stared at her seeing the truth of her conviction in her eyes. Then he sighed, nodding, and said “well, let it never be said I caused the death of a lady. The wedding is off. But dearest, where will you go? Your beloved’s ship has left port…”

Tara faltered, bowing her head. Warren snapped his fingers as he got an idea “I’ll tell you what- stay here for now. I’ll send my four fastest ships in the four directions, each bearing a message for her. They’ll fly the white flag and if she shows up, may God's grace be with you both. And if she doesn’t… I do hope you’ll consider me an alternative to suicide.”

Tara stared, then nodded once and left. Warren sighed, looking at Andrew. “She’s becoming more trouble than she’s worth.”

“Just a few more weeks, sire. Then you can kill her and we blame Gilder, and the war is begun.”

“I really thought Spike would be up to the job!” Warren groaned, “how was I supposed to know I’d forced myself upon the Dread Pirate Lehane’s lover!”

“I assure you, the pirate is not an issue,” Andrew said proudly. Warren sighed, nodding. Hopefully, they could just get through the wedding and kill her and be done with it.

But, alas, Tara did not give in. She begrudgingly allowed the wedding preparations to continue, but she was sure Willow would come for her- not knowing that Willow was still in town, being slowly killed by Count Andrew.

 

The two days before the wedding, Warren ordered the Forest of Thieves to be empty, so it would be easier for people to believe that assassins had killed Tara and not him. The head of the guard, Sir Snyder, was in charge of organizing the removal, and the brute squads. It was Snyder who ordered one Xander Harris to take care of a drunk thief who was refusing to vacate.

Xander sighed as he headed in the indicated direction. Ever since he’d met and been bested by the woman in black, he’d felt very melancholy about his situation. He really was the big dumb thug Spike had always called him- he wasn’t noble like the lady who had spared his life, and he wasn’t smart like…

“C’mon then Spike! I’m waiting!” called a drunk voice, “I gotta find the lady in black and kiss the six-fingered man… no that’s not right…”

“Buffy!” Xander cried, running over and scooping up his drunk friend, overjoyed to see her again. “You’re alive!”

“I’m gonna puke on you,” Buffy said, and promptly did.

 

Xander ran out of the Forest of Thieves, taking Buffy back to his small hovel in town to sober her up. As he did, he told her all that had happened, including the identity of the six-fingered man as Count Andrew.

When she passed out into her soup, Xander thought she handled it well.

He woke her up by dunking her head in cold water. Together they decided- they needed to find the lady in black who had helped them both see the error of their ways. They’d heard rumors that she was a prisoner of Count Andrew, which meant she’d need rescuing.

 

While Xander was nursing his friend back to health, Tara was getting frantic. She _needed_ Willow to save her- she could not marry Warren, and while she did not want to die she knew she would kill herself on the wedding night if Willow did not save her.

It came to a head the day before the wedding when she overheard Warren telling one of his advisors that he “had all his ships in the harbor, ready to go-”

She stepped into the room, and said: “except your four fastest.”

Warren blinked at her, and Tara felt herself grow furious. “All ships, except your four fastest, which you sent out after my Willow. Or so you told me!”

Warren rose to step closer to her “Beloved-”

“You never sent the ships! I won’t marry you!” Tara cried, and turned and ran out of the room. Unfortunately, Warren was quicker. He grabbed her and dragged her into her bedroom, throwing her in. “If you can’t behave then you’ll stay here until the wedding!”

He slammed the door and locked it from the outside, satisfied when Tara started banging on it. The satisfaction faded when she started to scream “Your nothing but a coward! A disgusting, slime bellied coward! My Willow is worth ten of you!”

Now, Warren didn’t think himself a particularly angry man, but he was a very proud man- and at that moment, all patience he had for Tara snapped.

She compared him to a woman and called him _less._ Well, he’d show her, oh yes- he’d present her with her precious Willow’s head!

Warren ran to the Pit of Despair in a fury, where Andrew was playing with the girl. He ran in, pushed the machine as high as it would go, and turned it on, ignoring Andrew’s protests.

Willow screamed and convulsed- and then collapsed on the table, dead.

 

Her screams had been heard all around- they were loud enough that Xander and Buffy, wandering the village, heard them.

“Those screams! Those are the dying screams of one of Count Andrew’s victims, I’m sure of it! This way!” Buffy declared, dragging Xander after her.

They reached a clearing in the woods, where Anya had just exited the pit. She saw them coming and gasped, trying to run away. Buffy tackled her with a warrior-esque scream. They scuffled for a moment, and Xander went over to help restrain their captive. Buffy stood over her while Xander held her in place, and Buffy leaned in close and said: “Where’s the lady in black?”

“I don’t know!” Anya cried. Xander felt bad- the woman really was quite beautiful, in his opinion.

“Xander, jog her memory!” Buffy ordered, and Xander nodded and smacked her upside the head. The woman was knocked unconscious, and Xander looked sheepish. “I didn’t mean to jog her so hard, Buff.”

Buffy sighed and went back to the middle of the clearing. She figured the entrance had to be in one of the trees. She looked up at the sky, at the dappled sunlight streaming through them as the sun set. The wedding was tomorrow, they needed to find the woman in black.

With a little gulp, she pulled out her sword and closed her eyes as if praying.

“Mom,” Buffy whispered, “Mom, please, I know you’re up there. I worked really hard, Mom. I trained, and studied, I looked after Dawn ‘til she didn’t need me anymore. I’m so close to finding him, Mom. Please… guide me.”

She let her sword and posture sway, whispering for her mother to guide her to where she needed to go.

The sword ended up impaled in a tree, but nothing happened. Buffy sighed, shifting to lean against the tree, disappointed- but the moment she leaned against a particular knot in the tree, it depressed, and a door swung open next to her.

Buffy stared, then jumped up with a whoop. “Thanks, Mom!” She shouted, pulling her sword and darting down the stairs. “C’mon Xander, leave her!”

They ran down the stairs… only to find Willow, dead on the table where they’d left her.

“No!” Xander groaned, but Buffy was determined- she wouldn’t be swayed now.

“Xander, how much money do you have?”

“Uh… 62?”

“Good. It’ll have to buy us a miracle.”

 

As night fell, Buffy led the way to the outskirts of town, Xander carrying Willow. “So how do you know this guy again?”

“He’s my fiance.”

“You’re engaged?!”

“Yeah, but I’m not gonna marry until I get my revenge. I hope if I ask really nicely and bring money, he’ll do me a solid, but he doesn’t do Miracles for me anymore…” she smirked, “well, except in-”

“Buffy! This is a kid’s story!”

“Fine.”

They arrived at a small house, where Buffy knocked repeatedly upon the door.

“We’re closed!” A female voice called. Buffy rolled her eyes “Cordy, it’s me! Let me in!”

“We’re still closed!”

“Cordelia!” came a male voice, and the door opened to reveal a handsome man who swept Buffy up in a hug. Buffy hugged him back for a moment, then stepped away, “Sorry Angel, we’re on a time crunch. We need a-”

“Don’t say it!” Angel groaned, but let them in anyway. Xander set Willow on the table, and Angel and the girl- Cordelia- looked her over.

“No way.” Cordelia said after a few minutes, and Angel sighed. “Buffy-”

“Angel, c’mon! She… has a family! Sick children, so many of them, a crippled husband-”

“Stop lying to me.”

“Her lady love is being forced to marry someone.”

“The first story was better.” Angel said, and Cordelia pouted “I bet she owes you money!”

“She does not!” Buffy insisted.

“Let’s just ask her, hm?” Angel said, and Cordelia grabbed a horn off the wall. Xander frowned. “How, she’s dead. That’s why we’re here,”

“Nah, she’s just mostly dead. How much money do you have for me?” Angel asked as Cordelia positioned the horn.

“62 and a kiss from your true love?” Buffy offered, and Angel looked heavenward as if for help. He looked down at Willow. “Alright missy, why should I help you?”

He started pressing on her chest, as if doing compressions. Between sputtering coughs, through the horn was heard “tr-ue-l-o-ve”

Buffy grinned, “See Angel?! What’s more worthy than true love!”

“Oh don’t be cliche, Buffy.” Angel said crossly, “She clearly said to blave, which means to bluff, which means Cordy is right-”

“No, I’m pretty sure she said _true love.”_ Cordy said, and Angel glared at her. “Well I didn’t hear it and you only have sixty two-”

“Angel _please!_ She’s instrumental to my revenge!”

She said the last word extra loudly, and Angel winced. The group heard footsteps coming down the stairs and he glowered at Buffy. “You did that on purpose.”

Buffy smiled innocently as another girl burst into the work room. “What about Buffy’s revenge?!”

“Hi, Dawn!” Buffy chirped, and Dawn glared at Angel. “You’re not helping to avenge our mother?!”

“She wants me to do a miracle!”

“Oh, you and your miracles!” Dawn through her hands up. “Really, ever since you were kicked out by Warren-”

“You said you wouldn't say it!” Angel snapped, and Cordy rolled her eyes. “Now she’s done it…”

“Warren Warren Warren!” Dawn shouted, and Angel covered his ears. “Witch!”

“I’m not a witch, I’m your sister-in-law to be!”

“Is this a bad time to mention that the bride we’re trying to steal is Prince Warren’s?” Xander asked innocently, and the room fell silent so quickly it was shocking.

“You mean, if I do this, Buffy gets the six-fingered man and Warren gets embarrassed?” Angel asked, and Buffy smirked. “Horribly embarrassed. Completely shamed. In public.”

“Why didn’t you open with that?!” Cordy, Angel and Dawn shouted, abruptly cheerful. “Keep the money, we’re doing it!”

Buffy cheered as Dawn and Cordy ran to prepare things. After a long process which involved a lot of smoke and stirring and a bit of chanting, Angel presented them with a small pill.

“That’s it?” Xander asked, and Angel nodded, while Cordy told him “It’s chocolate covered, makes it easier to swallow.”

“Wait 15 minute for it to start working, and no swimming for at least an hour.” Angel instructed while Dawn hugged Buffy tightly.

“Get the Count, Buff.” She said, while Buffy gave her a squeeze. Angel stepped up to her, and said: “You know, I let you keep the money, I think I’ve earned the kiss, ‘specially since I did it for true love and all.”

“You did it to piss off Prince Warren and as a final Fuck You to Spike,” Buffy snorted, but obligingly shared a kiss with Angel.

As they left with Willow in a wheelbarrow, Buffy turned and called over her shoulder “Oh, and Cordy! Crack open the wedding plans, I’m getting my revenge and Angel and I are getting hitched!”

“Good luck storming the castle!” Cordelia called in response.

 

It was mid-morning now, with the wedding about to begin. Tara had been forced into her wedding dress and was not happy about it.

“Make sure all the guards are prepared,” Warren muttered to Count Andrew, “I want nothing to go wrong.”

“Yes, sire. Snyder is prepared outside.”

 

Sure enough, Snyder had all the castle’s Guards positioned outside the doors, within the castle walls.

“Damn!” Buffy said as Xander climbed the castle wall and she saw how many soldiers were in the courtyard. “We’d better give her that miracle now.”

Xander forced the pill down Willow’s throat, and they waited a long fifteen minutes.

“Is it working?” Buffy asked, pacing back and forth. Suddenly Willowlet out a loud gasp and sat up… only to then slump forward and land face first on the ground.

“I think it worked,” Xander said, helping her sit back up.

“Who are you people?! Where’s Tara!”

“I’m Buffy, that’s Xander, she’s in there, about to marry Prince Warren.” Buffy said, pointing.

“No!” Willow screeched, shaking her head, and Xander grinned “look! She can move her head!”

“I have to get in there! I have to save her!”

“I know, I know! But you also need to remember that you’ve been mostly dead for a day so just _calm down!”_ Buffy snapped. “We’re on your side!”

Willow collapsed against Xander, panting and coughing. “You are?”

“Buffy’s in it to kill the six-fingered man, I’m trying to be a better person.” Xander said with a shrug. Willow sighed and nodded. “Alright, what are we up against?”

“That,” Buffy pointed, and Xander turned Willow to see the courtyard full of soldiers. “Plus however many are inside. Oh, and Prince Warren himself _and_ you can barely move.”

“And our advantages?”

“Your brains, my steel, his brawn.”

Willow blinked at her. “Those are… not good odds.”

“We have a wheelbarrow from Buffy’s fiance.”

“That’s better! Do you have a cloak by any chance?”

Xander nodded, and Willow grinned as she shared her plan.

 

Inside the palace, the wedding was beginning. The bridal march wa played by a band called _Di_ _ngoes Ate My Baby,_ and at the end of the march, the bassist put down his guitar, put on a frock, and stepped up to officiate the wedding,

“Mawwiage!” he began grandly, “Mawwiage is why we’re here today!”

Tara wished Willow were there- she would have found him hilarious.

Outside, a large figure suddenly burst through the open gates of the castle walls.

“Intruders! Lock the castle doors!” Snyder shouted, weary of the large cloaked figure in front of them

“I am the Dread Pirate Lehane! I am death! _Fear me!”_ Willow screamed from under the large cloak, where she was in Xander’s arms as Buffy sat on his shoulders. Together all three of them formed a menacing figure, and the effect was only improved by the fact that they were standing on the wheelbarrow, which had easily rolled into the courtyard.

“I am the Dread Pirate Lehane! I am _Willow!_ I am _Death! Fear me!”_

And with that, Buffy smirked and set the coating on the outside of the fireproof cloak on fire, giving them the illusion of burning.

The guards either fainted, or ran.

 

Inside, no one could hear the screaming guards, but Warren had a creeping suspicion in his gut and was growing impatient. The priest was still rambling on, so Warren stepped on his foot and hissed “skip to the vows.”

“Ow! Okay, okay- do you, Prince Warren, take this woman to have and-”

Someone ran by outside screaming, and warren hissed “say man and wife! Man and wife!”

“Uh- by the power vested in me, blah blah blah, man and wife, man and wife!”

Warren smirked, and dragged Tara forward for a kiss.

 

Outside, with all the guards scattered, the trio cornered Snyder.

“Where’s the door key?!” Willow snarled, and Snyder gulped. “Uh, there, there is no, uh, door key!”

“Xander, rip his arms off, “ buffy ordered, and Xander smirked. Snyder reached into his coat and pulled out a key. “Here, here! Take it, just call off the giant!”

Buffy leaned in close, then grinned and said “thanks!” and swiped it. Xander picked up Willow and ran after her. Once inside, they realized the palace was  _huge._

"Which way?!" Buffy cried. 

"Who are you looking for?" Said another voice, and all three turned to see Dingoes Ate My Baby packing up their instruments. The one who had spoken was the bassist/priest, whose name was-

"Oz!" Willow said, sounding cheerful for the first time since she'd said goodbye to Tara in the forest. Oz broke into a bright grin. "hey Will! Was that girl I just married yours? she looked like the descriptions!"

Willow's face fell. "We're too late!"

"Oh, no, not really. See, Warren had me skip the "I Do"s. No consent, no validity." Oz shrugged. "She went that way."

Willow grinned, "Your the best Oz!" she said as they ran off.

 

Warren’s parents escorted Tara to her room. Tara felt like the scum of the earth- she had married someone she didn't love and therefore betrayed Willow. 

Tara sighed as they reached her room. his father rested her hand on her shoulder. "I know you're sad my dear, but in time... You will grow to love him."

Tara smiled up at him- for all Warren's cruelty, his parents had been nothing but kind. She kissed the old man on the cheek. "thank you. This is the last time I will see you, I'm going to go and kill myself, but you two have been nothing but kind."

She turned into her room, and the old man- who was a bit senile, smiled and said "did you hear that? she called me kind!"

 

Buffy, Xander, and Willow all ran through the halls together, with Willow looking for Tara. 

"Tara! Tara! where  _is_ she?!" Willow cried, clenching her fists. 

"your regaining movement pretty well! That's something!" Xander said cheerfully as Buffy checked doors. "She has to be behind one of these- Xander, kick this down!"

"Y'know, I'd appreciate a  _please_ now and then, Buff-"

_"Xander kick the stupid door!"_

"Okay, okay, there's no need to shout!" 

Xander kicked the door in- it led to another hallway. But this hallway was occupied. 

Buffy stepped forward, eyes shiny as she stared at Count Andrew.

He stared back at her, not recognizing her at first.

"Hello," Buffy began slowly, "my name is Buffy Summers. You killed my mother. Prepare to die."

Andrew stared, paled, and then turned and ran. Buffy snarled like a wild animal. "keep looking for her lady love, I'm going after him!" 

"Buffy!" Xander cried as she ran off. He sighed and set Willow down. " I'm sorry, I have to make sure she doesn't get killed. Wait here!"

Willow blinked as she was left alone, then groaned and cursed. Great, now what?

 

Buffy chased Andrew all through the halls, snarling and shouting her refrain. over and over- "Hello! My name is Buffy Summers! You killed my mother! Prepare to die! Hello! My name is Buffy Summers! You killed my mother! Prepare to die! Hello! My name is-"

"I get it!" Andrew shrieked as Buffy cornered him "I get it, I get it, I'm sorry! Please don't kill me, what do you want!"

Buffy swiped her sword across his cheek, leaving a deep cut as she snarled "Offer me money!"

"Yes, as much as you want!"

she repeated the action on the other cheek, "Offer me power!"

"All that I have!"

She held the blade to his throat, her eyes dangerous as a venomous snake about to strike. "Offer me all that I want and more."

"Anything! You can have anything!"

Buffy leaned in close to him, and whispered:  _"I want my mother back you son of a bitch."_

And with that declaration, she stabbed him through the heart

 

Once she was safely secured in her chambers, Tara prepared a note and then raised the dagger. She swallowed, closed her eyes, and thought of Willow. Maybe, on the other side of death, she would see her again. 

"you know," said a voice so fond it might have been her imagination, "there  _is_  a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to damage yours with that knife."

Tara gasped and turned, and saw Willow, laying on her bed, having dragged herself there from where Xander had left her earlier. Tara dropped the dagger, got up and ran over to the bed, drawing Willow into her arms. "oh, Willow!"

Willow grimaced- with her movement, the feeling had returned to her limbs, and they ached from both misuse and overuse. "Gently," she said through gritted teeth. 

"All you can say is  _gently?!"_ Tara exclaimed, moving her arms. Willow flopped back on the bed with a groan, unable to hold herself up. realizing her lover was hurt and feeling sheepish, Tara leaned down and kissed her forehead. "oh Willow, my Willow, please forgive me."

"Mm, what horrible deed have you done that makes you so sad?"

"I married another!"

"Did you say I do?"

"Huh?"

"Oz, the guy who married you? He's an old friend, was on my ship for a while. He told me you skipped the "I do"s. Means it's not valid."

Tara beamed. "oh Willow, I-"

The door burst open, and Warren walked in, glaring at Willow. 

"I had a feeling you weren't quite dead. Can I assume the mess of my courtyard is your fault?"

"Can I assume the fact that the love of my life was about to kill herself is yours?" Willow countered.

"Oh don't worry, I'll do it for her. But first, to the death!"

"No! To the pain!" Willow snarled. Warren blinked "I don't know that one-"

"Then let me elaborate, and don't worry, I'll use small words so you can understand me, you ignorant warthog-faced buffoon! To the pain means I cut off your feet and ankles. Then I remove your nose.  _Then_ I cut out your kidneys-"

"And then my tongue, I suppose?"

"No, first one of your eyes- just one."

"And then my  _ears_ I hope, so I can stop listening to this!"

"No! The ears, you keep. Along with one eye. So you can hear and see every disgusted face of every screaming child who comes across you!" 

Prince Warren was shaking slightly at the threat. "You- I- That's not..."

"Sit. Down." Willow growled, and Prince Warren sat heavily in the seat Tara had occupied once. Willow grinned at Tara and said, "Tie him up, tight as you please."

"Is this a wedding gift from you?"

"Absolutely."

 

Buffy finally found her way to Tara's room, to find Willow climbing shakily to her feet and the prince tied to the chair. 

"Well... you look better!" Buffy said cheerfully. Willow grinned at her, using Tara for support. "how's the revenge?"

"You think Oz will help me and Angel get married?"

Willow laughed, and Buffy suddenly frowned "where's Xander?"

"Hey!"

The three girls went over to the window to see Xander standing outside with four white horses. 

"I figured we could come back later, so we're not here when the guards wake up!"

Buffy laughed. "good plan! We'll be down in a minute!"

Willow turned to Tara, smiling, "Ready to get out of here?"

"If I'm with you."

The two smiled at each other, and...

 

* * *

 

 

Larry blinked blearily at his uncle "And what?"

Giles hummed, quirking his lips, "that's a kissing part."

"Oh," Larry blushed, "Well... just this once?"

Giles smiled.

 

* * *

 

 

In the history of the world, there have been five great kisses.

This sixth one, however, blew all the ones before it out of the water. It was a kiss of true love, a kiss that would go down in history. 

Willow and Tara kissed, and they knew they would be together forever.

 

* * *

 

 

"... the end."

Larry yawned and smiled at his uncle. Giles smiled back "Well, was it a suitable story?"

"Uh-huh."

"Was what a suitable story?" asked a voice behind him, and the boys turned to see Buffy and Willow standing in Larry's doorway. Larry perked up "Mama!"

"Hey baby," Willow said, coming over to put a hand on his head. "hey, your fever broke!"

"Mama, Uncle Giles told me a story!"

"Yeah? What was it about?"

"You and other-mom kissed and Uncle Xander was a Giant and Aunt Buffy killed a six-fingered man and-" Larry cut himself off with a loud yawn, and Willow chuckled. "how about you get some sleep, okay? You can tell me later."

"'Kay," Larry muttered. As the adults headed out to leave him to his lap, Larry called "Uncle Giles?"

Giles looked back, and Larry said: "could you tell it to me again sometime?"

Giles smiled and nodded once before closing the door.

 

Once they were in the hallway, Buffy snorted. "A six-fingered man? Giles, did you Princess Bride us?"

Giles chuckled, nodding "yes, I suppose I did. I was unaware that was a verb though."

"Well, now I want to hear the story! Was Willow Buttercup or Wesley? Who was Xander? Was Faith there-"

"Tell you what Buffy, he'll probably be home for another day, and the council won't need you tomorrow, so when Giles tells him the story again you can stay and listen," Willow said. Buffy smiled, nodding. "Giles, can I drop you somewhere?"

"No, I'll walk. You should head home, Buffy, it's been a long day."

Buffy nodded, hugged them both, and headed out. Willow turned to Giles and asked, quietly, "you really told him about Tara?"

Giles nodded, "he seemed to appreciate it."

"I haven't been doing her justice with him," Willow sighed, feeling the familiar grief, "It's just so hard, Giles..."

"I know," Giles put a hand on her shoulder. "I know you miss her... that was why I told him that particular story."

"huh?" Willow blinked, and Giles smiled at her. "Love is more powerful than any hardship and lasts forever. That's the lesson of  _The Princess Bride,_ Isn't it?"

And with that, Giles left. 

Willow stood in her kitchen for a long moment, then went into the living room, where a picture of her and Tara sat on the shelf. She stared at it for a long moment.

"Death cannot stop true love," she quoted, "only delay it for a while."

**Author's Note:**

> A few things- I kinda updated some of the stuff that happens but I tried to stick true to the story.  
> Yes, the original Dread Pirate Lehane was Faith  
> And no, Giles did not have a book. Giles memorized the princess bride because he's Giles, he's Like That.
> 
> Come check me out on tumblr www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com
> 
> give me money if you want https://ko-fi.com/flamingbluepanda
> 
> See ya around!


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